FabSwingers.com forum: A joke thread

By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially

secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'.... Two million Euros...'

'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They saw you coming, Didn't they?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night.

I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end getting a blowjob, was my dad.

I said, "After 50 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."

He said, "I'm not."

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

Batman was hosting a party. He spoke to a guy he didn't recognise and the guy introduced himself as Bruce Banner. He thought it better to attend as himself rather than as the Hulk.

Later in the night Batman went to check on him and asked if he was enjoying his evening.

"it's great so far" he replied.

"I was passing one of the bedrooms earlier and saw Wonder woman spreadeagled naked on the bed"

" I couldn't help myself. I turned into the Hulk and leaped on top of her"

"Wow" said Batman. " I would have loved to see that. I bet she was surprised?"

" She was" said Banner " But not half as surprised as the Invisible Man"

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By *nceuponatimecplCouple
over a year ago

The edge of town

With just a week to go to Christmas Santa was having a very bad day.

The reindeer were all sick, the elves in the workshop were complaining about the workload & looking for a pay rise & Mrs Claus was constantly giving him lectures about drinking & driving his sleigh home Christmas night.

He finally got some peace and was about to nod off in his armchair when there was a knock at the door.

He opened to see a tiny little fairy there dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her.

"Here's your tree Santa, where would you like me to stick it?"....

And so the tradition of a fairy sitting on top of the Christmas tree began.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm having regular sex with a blind woman.

The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. ' After I have sex I am usually

cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in December and the second time is in June.

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it!

No, seriously, Israeli how he does it!

*fends off tomatoes*

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

Gardai hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Batman was hosting a party. He spoke to a guy he didn't recognise and the guy introduced himself as Bruce Banner. He thought it better to attend as himself rather than as the Hulk.

Later in the night Batman went to check on him and asked if he was enjoying his evening.

"it's great so far" he replied.

"I was passing one of the bedrooms earlier and saw Wonder woman spreadeagled naked on the bed"

" I couldn't help myself. I turned into the Hulk and leaped on top of her"

"Wow" said Batman. " I would have loved to see that. I bet she was surprised?"

" She was" said Banner " But not half as surprised as the Invisible Man"

Class haha

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

I ordered Chinese from a local place (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!

I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

I was driving so pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef!

I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!!

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By *13_hercMan
over a year ago

Blackrock

After a few beers I once talked a blind woman into giving me a hand-job. She told me I had the biggest cock she had ever got her hands on, to which I replied 'Really, you're pulling my leg !"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My granddad said, "It's going to be a nightmare this winter with the flu outbreak.

""Tell me something I don't know?" I replied.

He said, "Your nana's arse can take my whole fist!"

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

"My granddad said, "It's going to be a nightmare this winter with the flu outbreak.

""Tell me something I don't know?" I replied.

He said, "Your nana's arse can take my whole fist!"

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a €30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow €30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

You sang it, didn't you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does one boob say to the other boob? If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

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By *eanbelfastMan
over a year ago

Belfast

Saw a great poster which said,

"Home Schooling Day1

If you see my children locked outside today, mind your own business - we are having a fire drill"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe that!

Lucky I was still up playing my music....

He banged and shouted "can we have a little respect please"

So I shouted back "I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this ones for you”

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

Duck walks into a bar and says "my name's Huey, give me a pint."

Barman asks how his day is going and he replies with "Grand so far. In and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck ask for?"

A few mins later another duck walks in and says "My name's Dewey. Can I have a pint please?"

Once again the barman inquires about his day and once again gets the response "Great thanks, in and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck ask for?"

Shortly after a third duck walks in and the barman laughs and says "I know what's going on here. I bet your name is Louie!"

"No" said the duck. "I'm Puddles. Why do you ask?"

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By *oo32Man
over a year ago

tipperary

Bog m....says one day at work lads being friends with a woman is like being friends with a chicken...

Kaiser....wtf...

Bog m....yeah soon or later your gonna wonder what they taste like when you eat them...

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By *oo32Man
over a year ago

tipperary

[Removed by poster at 12/01/21 16:54:28]

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

"Bog m....says one day at work lads being friends with a woman is like being friends with a chicken...

Kaiser....wtf...

Bog m....yeah soon or later your gonna wonder what they taste like when you eat them...

As long as its not like lamb

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By *ocktailsdreamsMan
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Did you hear about the woman with the hereditary diarrhea?

It was in her jeans (genes)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man enters heaven and asks God a question, “Excuse me God, why did you decide to make women so beautiful?” God replied, ”So men would love them.”

The man then asks, “Then tell me God, why on earth did you make some women so dumb?” God immediately replied, “So they would love you.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lady had been taking golf lessons and was playing her very first round of golf when she was unfortunately stung by a bee. She was in agony and decided to head back to the clubhouse to get some medical help.

Her golf instructor saw her heading back and asked "you were only out there ten minutes, why are you back so soon? what is the matter?"

The lady replied "A bee stung me!"

The instructor asked "Where abouts?"

The lady replied "Between the first and the second hole".

The instructor knowingly nods his head and replies "Your stance is a little too wide".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Definition of a successful husband - A man who earns more than his spouse can spend.

Definition of a successful wife - A lady who is able to find such a man.

Definition of a psychiatrist - An expensive therapist that will provide you with answers which your wife will give you for free.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug

through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and

handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.

The blonde office looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

“OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

A couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a Prostitute.

She's not quite sure what to do..so the Husband says,

"Stand in front of that Bar and pick up a Bloke. Tell him you Charge a Hundred Euro.

Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a fella pulls up and asks "How much?"

She says, " €100.00

"All I got is Thirty Euro".

She says, "Hold On," and runs back to the Husband and asks.

"What now. What can he get for just Thirty"??

"A Hand Job," the Husband replied.

She runs back and tells the bloke all he gets for Thirty Euro is a Hand Job.

He agrees and she gets in the Car.

He Unzips his Trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy.

She stares at it for a few seconds, then says.. "I'll be right back.."

She runs back to the Husband.

"What's Wrong".he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this bloke €70"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Common English mistakes:

Using they're instead of their.

Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural.

Leaving the European Union.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man on the farmer market: -I sorry, do you know if all veggies are organic or GMO?

The lady answers:- Why?

And then carrot, cucumber and beetroot say: - Are you blind that we are organic?!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Norway makes sure to put barcodes on all their ships so that they can Scandinavian!

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…

Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says: "works for ketchup."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.”

“You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”

Hahahahahaha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard

To fetch her poor dog a bone

When she bent over

Rover took over

And gave her a bone of his one

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By *og-Man OP Man
over a year ago

somewhere

Fred was lying on his deathbed, Anne came in & knelt gently beside him. She asked, 'Do you have any last wishes?'

'That's very kind. I was just thinking that I'd love a piece of that boiled ham on the table.'

'Now Fred' said Anne 'You know very well that ham's for the funeral'

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