FabSwingers.com forum: Christmas alone

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ok so last Jan uary we split and i live on my own .. For Christmass my kids ( Mature ) want me to go to the ex for christmass with them. For dinner ect .. They asked her and she said yes ...... I was never asked if i wanted too .. Im just told ...as i had done all my life .... I do not want too go for loads of reasons .. But one is its just gonna be pure awkward and im dreading that .. Ide rather be working or sick than go .. And if i stay at home ..... Im on me own . which is also dreadfull to think about . this has been on my mind for a couple of weeks now and my head just goes round in circles .. So may i ask you people any advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your kids want you there thats enough of a reason to go. Go have dinner spend time with your kids. And leave after. Suck it up for their sake.

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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago

somewhere

Do the kids live with you ex or is everyone in their own place

Would a phone call to your ex explaining that its not a snub but you wouldn't be comfortable having a family dinner help the situation

She might feel the same way and tell the kids to leave it.

If you're going to be lonely would you be better working anyway

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By *cottybear74Man
over a year ago

kilkenny

Do what makes you feel better. Your kids are old enough to understand if you tell them you are not comfortable spending Christmas day with your ex.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why not have the kids around for an early breakfast and ask the ex to push dinner out by an hour or so.

Every one is a winner then

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why not have the kids around for an early breakfast and ask the ex to push dinner out by an hour or so.

Every one is a winner then"

This is what I'd advise too .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always spend Christmas on my own no kids, so just be glad you have them to spend time with be it awkward or not.

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By *-4pleasureCouple
over a year ago

Belfast

Your kids want you there thats enough of a reason to go. Go have dinner spend time with your kids. And leave after. Suck it up for their sake."

Suck it up ? You’ve obviously never been in a comparable position as OP.

His kids are adults. There’s no reason why they cannot spend their day visiting both their parents separately.

OP - you’ve only split up - spending Christmas together would be a nightmare- dont do it.

And it could also be sending mixed messages as well - either to ex-partner or kids.

And you’ll have sleepless nights for the next two months overthinking and dreading it.

Did I say don’t do it?

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By *oxyvixen99Woman
over a year ago

Newtownabbey

I would explain to your kids how difficult it would be for you and arrange to see them at a different part of the day. You've said yourself they arent small so they need to understand that it's unfair to ask that of you. If you do it one year it'll be expected every year. Why should your Christmas day be worse than it has to be

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

As a separated dad I do have sympathy with you... but these things need to be planned and thought about by everyone in advance. There seems to be a chronic lack of communication going on. Talk to your kids, talk to your ex. Come up with a plan that means that everyone gets to spend loads of time doing something you enjoy with your kids.

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By *allyWally19Woman
over a year ago

The Road to Nowhere

OP, based on your last comment, I'd urge you to speak to a professional.

For the minute, put worrying about Christmas on the back burner & focus on your peace of mind

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By *avie tCouple
over a year ago

otherside of nowhere

There's always a way to compromise...tell them it would be too awkward for everyone including them but suggest they go to you st Stephen's day...if you felt you were being dominated in the marriage don't let that continue by trying to please your adult children....whatever you do this year will become the norm

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By *iery minxWoman
over a year ago

kildare

Been there myself op the first xmas after the split of course my kids wanted to see their dad and i thought whats the harm in having him over to the family party xmas day evening.

How wrong i was he sat there the whole time watching me and then started a row because i was having a few drinks like i did every year previous its the only time of the year i do have a drink.

So my family had to get him to leave because he was upsetting the kids.

So my point is it never works out if there is anger there,so best to do as was already stated and explain to your kids the situation and how you feel they should understand it they are old enough mine unfortunetly weren't old enough so i couldn't explain it to them. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If your children are adults there is no earthly reason why you should do this if you don't want to. They can split their time surely.

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

Sorry to hear where you head is at op. Do try and talk to your children and explain that you would rather not go to your exs for dinner.

I was 17 when my parents split I had already moved out of home at that stage but the first Christmas both parents wanted us to go to them neither would see each other which was understandable. We did however decide the first year to go to both which meant trying to eat 2 christmas dinners as well in one day much as I like Christmas Dinner I felt more stuffed than the turkey after. After that year we decided never to do that again from then on we alternated Christmas dinner with each parent and called to the other one for a few hours either before or after. And spent the following day doing it the opposite way.We did that until one of my parents passed away.

Your children especially if they are older will understand you not wanting to go. There's so much pressure on people at Christmas to be happy and quite often the opposite is true. But in the end it's just a day like any other. Enjoy yours as best you can but don't feel pressured to go when you know yourself it isn't what you want.

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By *etmebeurfantasyWoman
over a year ago

My town

If your kids are old enough than explain you don't feel comfortable..... maybe have Stephen day thing with them.

They probably feel they have to choose between the two of you .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sorry to hear where you head is at op. Do try and talk to your children and explain that you would rather not go to your exs for dinner.

This is a good insight from a childs perspective. My daughter was 14 our first xmas. I did not go to her mother's with her as she I have custody but everyone's situation is different.

All I can say is it sounds like your children have your best interest at heart so I am sure if you let them know how you feel something can be worked out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Explain to your kid's they are adults they should understand, let them have dinner with your ex and plan for them to call to you that evening to do something together drinks/games food etc. That way all will enjoy their day. I don't see why you should have to suffer through a dinner together if it is going to make you miserable. Also you can work that morning if being alone will be too hard for you or arrange to see other family or friends

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok so last Jan uary we split and i live on my own .. For Christmass my kids ( Mature ) want me to go to the ex for christmass with them. For dinner ect .. They asked her and she said yes ...... I was never asked if i wanted too .. Im just told ...as i had done all my life .... I do not want too go for loads of reasons .. But one is its just gonna be pure awkward and im dreading that .. Ide rather be working or sick than go .. And if i stay at home ..... Im on me own . which is also dreadfull to think about . this has been on my mind for a couple of weeks now and my head just goes round in circles .. So may i ask you people any advice"
it's not an easy situation. You have my sympathies. My opinion for what its worth is that because they are adult kids they will understand whatever decison you make. There is no obligation for you to go but why don't you have the kids to yours that evening? Is it possible? Whatever you decide I would say that you should see the kids at some point and don't be alone for the whole day. I'm sure your ex will understand that will want see you and you them. Make the evening special and different. Take care

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By *osmicGateMan
over a year ago

louth

just go its better to be in company than be alone

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By *ol_ieMan
over a year ago

Dublin west

It wont be as bad as you think it will be if you are on your own. Its just a day like any other with a fancy name.

I have done the dinner at the ex and been on my own a number of times and had them for Christmas breakfast and the dinner at the ex was the most difficult, so see if you can find a solution for the morning or maybe the day after to have the kids visit.

Its just a day. Its like a Sunday but with the shops closed. You will find it tough but you will get through it and the first will always be the hardest. Im happy enough now to do them on my own. I go for a walk and have done the goal mile or the swim and have even volunteered to feed the homeless in the first few years help pass the time, but if you can do a Sunday on your own normally, its like that.

But agree a plan in advance so everyone knows the score, and be comfortable in the knowledge it will pass and it will get easier.

And if you need to talk drop me a mail. Am happy to listen.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It wont be as bad as you think it will be if you are on your own. Its just a day like any other with a fancy name.

But agree a plan in advance so everyone knows the score, and be comfortable in the knowledge it will pass and it will get easier.

And if you need to talk drop me a mail. Am happy to listen. "

Very good advice!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do what makes your kids happy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why not have the kids around for an early breakfast and ask the ex to push dinner out by an hour or so.

Every one is a winner then"

Excellent advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not to sound like lm gonna say the wrong thing here but this isnt just about you ..bottom line in my opinion here is your kids want you there...be there...if they didnt then you would be alone..get to the evening then thank them for inviting you then slip away ..your kids , even mature , want you there...be there..that one reason alone far outweighs ALL the reasons you dont want to be there.

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

And from a someone who had a broken family there is nothing worse than if you want your family together for occasions and all it is a day of tension and its horrible . Don't for one minute think kids unless they are really young don't notice it. That alone ruins a day.The op has already pointed out his children are older so they should understand and they can meet in the morning or even the next day.

If a woman posted this same thing no one would be telling her to go spend the day with an abusive ex. No one regardless of gendre should be told to do that.No one would be questioning how true his story is. Just because the op is male he is viewed differently and that's unfair and not surprising that men who get abused by partners are less likely to say it. It's so hard to get away from someone who abuses be it mental or physical or both the last thing anyone should be doing is telling someone who has to go back even for a few hours.

Op please do what you need to do to get through the day but do not be guilted into spending the day with your ex if you feel like it will damage the progress you made by getting away.

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By *rmrs1234Couple
over a year ago

Waterford

Op please do what you need to do to get through the day but do not be guilted into spending the day with your ex if you feel like it will damage the progress you made by getting away. "

Totally agree. My parents split when i was 11 and my dad used to see us at my nannys on christmas day. It wouldnt be for long but the tension and atmosphere was awful. Even though i was young i still knew what was going on and k was always waiting for it to kick off. I agree with Bo here that if op was a woman people would be screaming noo dont go.

I would talk to your children and explain how u feel and organise for them to come to you.

If this mans ex wife has near driven him to taking his own life why would anyone expect him to spend time with this person kids or not. Its ridiculous

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP I would suggest you would do what's best for yourself this is what matters here you and your health first. Then like said already try organise something that suits all if possible be assertive about what you want or don't want for yourself to be well. Ye're kids are adults so they will totally understand and if they don't well still as bad as it sounds you wellness should come first before theirs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Me I de just work - and let a fellow co worker with a younger family enjoy the day

I done Christmas where I did not see my parents but a phone call helps but a day later or so I make a point of seeing them - but that’s beside the point.

Your kids are older so tell how you feel - to me it’s just another day, why be in an awkward situation if you don’t really have to be. If your kids are in relationships there trying to keep everyone happy seeing you - there mother and probably there other half parents.

I always did christmas at home so the young kids could play with there toys for the day and if any wanted to call round for a drink or chat later they could there was never any pressure and did our visiting other days

Do want pleases you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m separated and don’t speak to the ex. What we do is split,

Christmas Eve

Christmas Day

St Stephen’s Day

Then the following year you get the opposite of what you got the year before.

Don’t go over to hers for dinner if you’re uncomfortable with it. Best of luck BTW

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By *ilthyNightsCouple
over a year ago

East / North, Cork

This year my ex has the kids for xmas eve.. until lunchtime xmas day and then they come to ours and they have the afternoon and overnight at ours, then they go to their mums for lunchtime on Stephen's day. We alternate years and so next year we will have them for xmas eve. We are lucky that we have a good working relationship and have decided to live a fairly short drive away at least until the kids are all over 18. There are ways to make it work with thought and consideration. We do our best to coparent as close to 50/50 as possible.

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By *woforone2025Couple (MM)
over a year ago

Dublin

OP if it was down to you what would you prefer to do ?

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By *woforone2025Couple (MM)
over a year ago

Dublin

OP if it was down to you what would you prefer to do ?

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