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By *ocktailsdreams OP   Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

So to all you jokers out there who love a laugh and a bit of craic tell a joke or a yarn for the rest to keep the spirits up and get us through Monday with a laugh.

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By *hilaboutMan
over a year ago

kilkenny

Hear bout the guy looking for treasure dug a 12ft hole until he realised his steel toe caps were setting the metal detector off..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A teacher asks her class “Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says “Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen.”

(Dark)

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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago

somewhere

An old man wakes up in the middle of the night and found to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see this thing woman? What do you think we ought to do with it? " With one eye open his wife replied. ...."well, now you got all the wrinkles out of it, it might be a good time to wash it"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I love telling my colleagues bad puns/jokes and i know they secretly enjoy them but wont admit it. I told them this one this morning

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You're too young to smoke... yep

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By *ocktailsdreams OP   Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I'm just after buying a dog off a blacksmith and as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

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By *ocktailsdreams OP   Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Anymore?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was gonna get a brain transplant. then I changed my mind

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Just got in from work and the wife is dressed in her sexy lingerie...

Only means one thing...

She's behind with the laundry again....

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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago

somewhere

A Woman comes Home and tells her Husband:-

"Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years..??? Well, They're Gone."

"No More Headaches." The Husband asks. "Jeez. What happened"..???

His Wife replies. "The doctor referred me to a Hipnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a Mirror, stare at myself and repeat “I do not have a Headache; I do not have a Headache, I do not have a Headache”. It Worked..?!?! The Headaches Are All Gone Now"..

The Husband replies. "Well, that is Wonderful."

His Wife then says. "You know, you haven't been exactly a Ball of Fire in the Bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hipnotist and see if he can do anything for that"..??

The Husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the Husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his Wife and carries her into the Bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says. "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and Jumps into Bed with her and makes Mad, Passionate Love to his Wife like never before.

His wife says. "Boy, that was Wonderful."

The husband says. "Don't Move..! I'll Be Right Back"..

He goes back into the Bathroom, comes back and Round Two was even better than the First Time.

The Wife sits up and her Head is Spinning.

Her Husband again says. "Don't Move, I'll Be Right Back."

With that, he goes back in the Bathroom. This time, his Wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, she sees him standing at the Mirror and saying."

“She's Not My Wife.

She's Not My Wife.

She's Not My Wife.”

*

His Funeral Service will be held on Tuesday at 1pm..!

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

It appears the new government instructions on only group meeting s of 6 people is going to affect the 7 dwarfs...

One of them isn't happy..

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

There was a very load ABBA tribute group playing in town last night.

You could hear the drums from nando's

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Did a stand up comedy session at the old folks home last saturday night..

They didnt get my jokes but they did piss themselves...

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By *tevecabra7Man
over a year ago

cabra

What ya call an aligator with a vest on ?? AN INVESTIGATOR

WHY THE 1 ARMED MAN CROSS THE ROAD? TO GET TO THE SECOND HAND SHOP

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Why did the pervert cross the road...?

Because he was attached to the chicken

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Marriage is sharing

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She

sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

'THE TEETH.'

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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago

somewhere

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers & their small children.

"You all have obsessions", he stated. "I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children?.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy?.

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank?.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky?.

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy".

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going"

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