FabSwingers.com forum: What to do when it's complicated?

By *oviebuff69 OP Man
over a year ago

norwich

My wife has no interest in sex. None, nada, zero. Our physical relationship has been in decline for years, with me having to work away from home, only returning, exhausted, at weekends.

I've lived from a suitcase for 12+ years. My wife thought this a 'holiday' for me. But I never played away. Despite opportunities and accommodation.

We now sleep in separate rooms, have practically zero physical interaction (no cuddles, no hugs, no kisses etc) and have done so for many years.

She has enjoyed good sexual experiences in earlier years, before we met - over which I'm honest to say I'm jealous. Me the converse, but now she has endured prolapses, primarily in relation to bladder and pelvic shelf, I'd like to say due to my over-zealous exertions when we were engaged, but in reality likely due to post-childbirth complications.

She acknowledges that she has no interest in me and suggests I find alternatives but that puts me in an awkward place. Is this a trap for initiating divorce proceedings on the basis of infidelity?

Most here aren't interested in married or indeed single males, tho' technically you would classify me 'separated' as we have not been intimate in many years now.

My libido has sky-rocketed in the last few months, possible due to new meds, I don't know why, whatever, it's likely the last hurrah before obsolescence but I have no release, no recourse and no support (other than the 'sort yourself out, I couldn't care less').

We're still sharing a property, with our two adult offspring, whom I've supported on a single income thru private school, so accommodating and cam chats are just null 'n' void.

I'm at my wits' end, frustrated as all f*ck and wondering where/how do I go from this.

I signed up here in the hope of finding someone, woman or couple, local (as I have no transport - another story - ) who could help out but it's been more than a few weeks now and not the remotest sign of any interest.

Sure I'm not a gym-rat, steroided, hung like a donkey, opportunity but I'm inherently sexual with a creative mind and eager to please.

Am I destined to be pariah and onanist to my dying day? If so I wish that day would come sooner.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

You sound very unhappy. I don't have an answer for you concerning your situation here.

Could you seek some counseling for yourself that might help put you in a better place and see more clearly how to move forward.?

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By *ikingpairCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

Totally agree with the previous post re: counselling for mental state but regarding the sexual release why don't you just pay for a prostitute? Mrs H

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By *fricanguyMan
over a year ago

warr

I can't Imagine having a wife n not have sex this is just my opinion tho

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By *ikingpairCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

"I can't Imagine having a wife n not have sex this is just my opinion tho "

That's because you are 32 and single...

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By *moothCriminal_xMan
over a year ago

Redditch

"My wife has no interest in sex. None, nada, zero. Our physical relationship has been in decline for years, with me having to work away from home, only returning, exhausted, at weekends.

I've lived from a suitcase for 12+ years. My wife thought this a 'holiday' for me. But I never played away. Despite opportunities and accommodation.

We now sleep in separate rooms, have practically zero physical interaction (no cuddles, no hugs, no kisses etc) and have done so for many years.

She acknowledges that she has no interest in me and suggests I find alternatives but that puts me in an awkward place. Is this a trap for initiating divorce proceedings on the basis of infidelity?

Most here aren't interested in married or indeed single males, tho' technically you would classify me 'separated' as we have not been intimate in many years now.

We're still sharing a property, with our two adult offspring, whom I've supported on a single income thru private school, so accommodating and cam chats are just null 'n' void.

I'm at my wits' end, frustrated as all f*ck and wondering where/how do I go from this.

Sure I'm not a gym-rat, steroided, hung like a donkey, opportunity but I'm inherently sexual with a creative mind and eager to please.

Am I destined to be pariah and onanist to my dying day? If so I wish that day would come sooner."

It makes no difference in a divorce if infidelity is the reason given in terms of how assets are split. Can you imagine how things will be in 5 years if nothing has changed? What else do you imagine is out there that is worth leaving her for? It's a horrible situation and sex isn't everything but if the intimacy and affection has gone then what is left?

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By *orkcoastguyMan
over a year ago

Bridlington.

You are in a bit of a rotten situation my friend. Sadly not uncommon.

The suggestions of counselling seem sensible or confiding in a sensetive friend whom you trust.

Given how long you have been together I am wondering if there are elements in the relationship,other than the sexual that are of value to you both? If so try to had onto these rather than taking any drastic steps to sunder what you have together.

You are clearly needing relief elsewhere and an understanding professional woman could well be the answer.

I wish you all the best and that goes for you both.

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By *oppy CheeksWoman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

Agree with some of the comments here. Looks like your options are limited in terms of alternatives. Sounds like there is nothing much worth staying in the relationship for & with two adult children & living separate lives what is holding you there? You are only in your early fifties so plenty of life left in you yet. Unfortunately one partner deciding they don’t want sex anymore is more common than you think. I am in a sexless relationship myself but apart from the lack of sex there are lots of positive aspects to the relationship worth staying for including non sexual physical intimacy, common interests, spending time together, wanting the same things for the future. Sounds like you maybe don’t have those things so probably time to ask yourself are you happy to stay like this for the rest of your life. If the answer is no, need to start thinking of life behind. Making a change is never easy & often impossible to see life beyond your current situation but you must strive for a better quality of life as you only get one & we are a long time dead

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By *reenleavesCouple
over a year ago

North Wales

Have you discussed the possibility of an open relationship? I can imagine this would be a bit of a minefield tho. If she's unable or unwilling to have sex due to her medical issues, she may have feelings like she's worthless as a woman?

I'd possibly suggest counselling for you both to see if there are any issues that could be resolved.

Ultimately you need to think of your own wellbeing. Your kids are adults so they're less of a consideration in this. If your wife isn't willing to work with you on your sexual needs then that only leaves the romantic aspect of your relationship. If that's non-existent then I'd probably say it's time to call it a day.

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By *moothCriminal_xMan
over a year ago

Redditch

"Have you discussed the possibility of an open relationship? I can imagine this would be a bit of a minefield tho. If she's unable or unwilling to have sex due to her medical issues, she may have feelings like she's worthless as a woman?

I'd possibly suggest counselling for you both to see if there are any issues that could be resolved.

OP says she has given him permission to play away bitbhe is worried this is a trap.

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By *fricanguyMan
over a year ago

warr

"I can't Imagine having a wife n not have sex this is just my opinion tho

That's because you are 32 and single...

"
what makes u think am single lol

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By *moothCriminal_xMan
over a year ago

Redditch

"I can't Imagine having a wife n not have sex this is just my opinion tho

That's because you are 32 and single...

what makes u think am single lol"

The profile?!

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By *ohnandJulieCouple
over a year ago

"I can't Imagine having a wife n not have sex this is just my opinion tho

That's because you are 32 and single...

what makes u think am single lol"

You have a partner and you are cheating?,

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By *BWandhusbandCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

If you're travelling around and your wife has given you permission to seek sex elsewhere, have you thought about attending clubs?

Katie.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Following this thread with interest as very much mirrors my own situation at the current time, some thought provoking comments.

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By *oppy CheeksWoman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

It sounds like the OP has permission to play but probably needs a serious conversation with his wife first if an open relationship is on the cards. From my experience the partner who has decided to end the sexual side of the relationship will often be very closed about the subject & will get defensive if you try to enter into any discussions about it. There may be genuine reasons why they no longer want sex but that does not necessarily mean they are willing to have an adult conversation on the topic. Hoping the OP’s wife is different. It is a difficult one when you want to discuss it openly & they shut you down

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By *onyjoCouple
over a year ago

Peterborough

Why are you still in a marrage that is not making you happy and giving all you want? I would have been long gone.

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By *izandpaulCouple
over a year ago

merseyside

If you feel this is a trap for a nasty divorce. To be honest there are very few nice divorce.

I'd initially suggest some counselling, ask your wife to attend, very much doubt from what you say she will engage but you must give her the opportunity.

Go to your GP and explain your anxiety, maybe GP can signpost you.

If not, pay for a few sessions.

Doing this may open new avenues for open and honest discussions with your wife.

If not, you will have an 'audit trail' of you acting in a reasonable, caring, inclusive way and protect yourself, as much as you can, from allegations of unreasonable behaviour and adultery.

It's a very sad position you find yourself in but maybe taking control of the situation, seeking professional help and the shoulder of a trusted friend, will at least result in some kind of forward momentum.

Good luck.

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