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"You're missing a reason. The recipient has viewed your profile and decided you're not for them and hasn't bothered to delete the message because they decided to go make a cup of tea / got sucked into what they're watching on TV / went for a mooch round the forums / got chatting to someone they've already connected with etc etc etc I really dislike the attitude that "they've been online several times today and they still haven't read/deleted/replied to my message". I can only speak for myself but I don't come on Fab to do admin. It's probably best to assume that if someone wants to read your message they will. " Well, it's a good thing I didn't say "several times today", but "over days and weeks" then, isn't it. The site tells me when someone's online. If a person's online a lot, complains that they have too many messages to get through, and hasn't read a message I sent two weeks ago, what conclusion am I supposed to draw? I'm aware nobody comes on Fab to do admin. I also don't come on Fab to write messages that never get read. The point of my post is "how can the site function better for everyone", not "what should women do". Maybe it is the case that women are checking profiles first to determine whether or not to view messages, which is an ass-backwards way of doing things - and basically the same amount of admin as glancing at a message and clicking "delete" if it isn't of interest - but you do you. Meanwhile you have an inbox full of messages you don't intend to read, and I get zero feedback (or at least no way to tell the difference between "isn't interested" and "hasn't seen you"). That's a problem with the way the site works. I'd also propose that unread messages be set to auto-delete after let's say 7 days. That would at least cut down on the amount of unread messages piling up in men's outboxes and women's inboxes. | |||
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"Checking the profile first is far from an ass-backwards way to do it. From the profile we can see - amongst other things - photos, height, a person's interests, their bio, location, whether they're a smoker, sometimes whether they're attached and meeting without their partner's knowledge (if they state that in their bio), their current status. If those things don't align with what I'm looking for, chances are I won't open the message. If I don't delete it immediately, for whatever reason, I may intend to delete it another time but that might not happen, again for multiple reasons. Also inbox messages do auto delete after a time. Again I'd suggest if your message remains unread it's best to assume the person isn't interested. Alternatively delete your sent message immediately. If you keep them to remember who you have messaged, you could add a private note to the profile to remind you." Whether it's ass-backwards or not, the end result is the person who sends the message has no clue whether the intended recipient has decided upon viewing their profile to not open the message, or whether their message is buried under a pile of other unread messages the recipient has just not seen. From the available information, i.e. the tremendous imbalance in the men:women ratio, plus the frequent, ubiquitous complaints from women that they can't keep on top of their bulging inboxes, it's the latter that is the more reasonable assumption, however wrong it might be. It's not "best" to assume that unread messages mean no interest, it's just one of the available bad options. Another option is to send a second message, which I generally avoid doing, BUT I would add that I have in the best sent second messages that have led to meets because the first message HAD gone unnoticed. So what are we to take from that? And as someone who was earlier saying that you aren't here to do admin, you seem comfortable proposing that others do plenty of it. We should be deleting all our sent messages or appending notes to people's profiles to document their lack of response while you can't be expected to hit "delete" on messages that don't interest you? Okay then. Also, while inbox messages may auto-delete after a while, I have unread messages in my outbox that are 3 weeks old. | |||
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" Whether it's ass-backwards or not, the end result is the person who sends the message has no clue whether the intended recipient has decided upon viewing their profile to not open the message, or whether their message is buried under a pile of other unread messages the recipient has just not seen. " There are lots of reasons why people leave mails in their boxes. I don't see how trying to dissect it will help you to be honest. We used to skim our mails to see which one we wanted to read first. Others may be have been left until we got round to them. If there was a minimum word count to send on a first mail we would never had met the first meet we had as he sent a one liner that made us both laugh that led to conversation and a great meet. | |||
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"Checking the profile first is far from an ass-backwards way to do it. From the profile we can see - amongst other things - photos, height, a person's interests, their bio, location, whether they're a smoker, sometimes whether they're attached and meeting without their partner's knowledge (if they state that in their bio), their current status. If those things don't align with what I'm looking for, chances are I won't open the message. If I don't delete it immediately, for whatever reason, I may intend to delete it another time but that might not happen, again for multiple reasons. Also inbox messages do auto delete after a time. Again I'd suggest if your message remains unread it's best to assume the person isn't interested. Alternatively delete your sent message immediately. If you keep them to remember who you have messaged, you could add a private note to the profile to remind you. Whether it's ass-backwards or not, the end result is the person who sends the message has no clue whether the intended recipient has decided upon viewing their profile to not open the message, or whether their message is buried under a pile of other unread messages the recipient has just not seen. From the available information, i.e. the tremendous imbalance in the men:women ratio, plus the frequent, ubiquitous complaints from women that they can't keep on top of their bulging inboxes, it's the latter that is the more reasonable assumption, however wrong it might be. It's not "best" to assume that unread messages mean no interest, it's just one of the available bad options. Another option is to send a second message, which I generally avoid doing, BUT I would add that I have in the best sent second messages that have led to meets because the first message HAD gone unnoticed. So what are we to take from that? And as someone who was earlier saying that you aren't here to do admin, you seem comfortable proposing that others do plenty of it. We should be deleting all our sent messages or appending notes to people's profiles to document their lack of response while you can't be expected to hit "delete" on messages that don't interest you? Okay then. Also, while inbox messages may auto-delete after a while, I have unread messages in my outbox that are 3 weeks old." I was giving suggestions that you could use in the here and now if unread messages bother you. They don't bother me. As I said, I'm not here to do admin. However if you'd prefer to keep things more structured, my suggestions might help with that in the meantime. On the subject of auto deletion, I don't know what the time frame is but I've no unread messages in my inbox older than 2 weeks. | |||
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"^^ is there a reason you're not deleting your three week old sent messages? I'm not minimising the very real annoyance you're obviously feeling but as things are you have a couple of options one of which is to delete your sent messages yourself after a period of time. I do wish more women would use their maim filters to prevent receiving huge quantities of mail. It seems to me that would solved a lot of problems. It might provide a whole new set but 🤷♀️" The reason I have weeks-old unread messages is because as far as I know the recipient still has that message in their inbox and might still get to it. I say "as far as I know" because I have no evidence to the contrary. My entire point is this lack of feedback. I just don't know what's happening to the messages I send unless they're read, replied to or deleted. | |||
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"The first few lines of a message are visible just by viewing the messages inbox. It's often possible to tell if we're interested to reply just from that. Especially most of the message we get are shorter than that. No reason to click on them then, so they will show as unread. It means we're not interested, and possibly that the message was unwelcome. The majority of our messages are clearly people who have no idea who we are or what we're interested in, haven't even glanced over our profile, and so on. Perfectly valid to just ignore. Any attractive single woman is going to get reams of messages daily. She had no obligation to read any of them. I've also learned that replying politely saying we're not interested is a waste of time because the same people will message the same or similar messages over and over regardless." And you don't delete these messages because...? | |||
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" There are lots of reasons why people leave mails in their boxes. I don't see how trying to dissect it will help you to be honest. We used to skim our mails to see which one we wanted to read first. Others may be have been left until we got round to them. If there was a minimum word count to send on a first mail we would never had met the first meet we had as he sent a one liner that made us both laugh that led to conversation and a great meet." I'm not trying to dissect it. I'm proposing changes that would improve it. While your story proves a one-line message can be welcome, I think it's safe to say the majority of one-line messages sent on here are not. Then it's a choice to be made of whether the site should allow 10,000 annoying "wot u up 2" messages for the sake of one or two genuinely witty openers. | |||
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" There are lots of reasons why people leave mails in their boxes. I don't see how trying to dissect it will help you to be honest. We used to skim our mails to see which one we wanted to read first. Others may be have been left until we got round to them. If there was a minimum word count to send on a first mail we would never had met the first meet we had as he sent a one liner that made us both laugh that led to conversation and a great meet. I'm not trying to dissect it. I'm proposing changes that would improve it. While your story proves a one-line message can be welcome, I think it's safe to say the majority of one-line messages sent on here are not. Then it's a choice to be made of whether the site should allow 10,000 annoying "wot u up 2" messages for the sake of one or two genuinely witty openers. " I quite like the choice to decide myself what I would do with mails and what mails I would send( within rules of course ) We don't tend to look at the sent pile, if people don't answer they don't answer. It wouldn't be an improvement for me to stop people sending a few words in a mail but you are in the right section for Admin to see your post. | |||
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" And you don't delete these messages because...?" Because we're not bothered by them being there. | |||
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"^^ is there a reason you're not deleting your three week old sent messages? I'm not minimising the very real annoyance you're obviously feeling but as things are you have a couple of options one of which is to delete your sent messages yourself after a period of time. I do wish more women would use their maim filters to prevent receiving huge quantities of mail. It seems to me that would solved a lot of problems. It might provide a whole new set but 🤷♀️ The reason I have weeks-old unread messages is because as far as I know the recipient still has that message in their inbox and might still get to it. I say "as far as I know" because I have no evidence to the contrary. My entire point is this lack of feedback. I just don't know what's happening to the messages I send unless they're read, replied to or deleted." Ok I understand how that's frustrating but the only thing you currently have control over is your sent box. | |||
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"Is it not possible that unread but binned messages remain as “unread”? A few people have said they get the preview and decide to not open it, just delete. Would be a lot easier for all if these messages showed as deleted- at least that way the sender knows and can move on. Waiting for a reply that will never come- but looks like it might- is really shitty. " That might be a possibility, but it's clear from what a number of women are saying that at least some deliberately leave messages unread if they're not interested. I'm not saying they shouldn't, however the fact remains that it leaves the senders in the dark over whether their message is not of interest, or merely still unseen. There must be a remedy for this that doesn't involve people changing how they prefer to use their inboxes. | |||
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"I wish there were a like button, as this is an articulate and considered post. We too find it frustrating that we’ve messaged someone (most recently the organiser of a club night- as instructed- with full length, unedited, face-on-show pic) and it’s showing as unread. Three weeks ago we sent that message. We too are left thinking- is there a tech glitch, should we follow up? But then were told “if we don’t reply take it as a polite not interested” so we’re loath to follow up. Just read it and if we get no reply, we get it. If it’s sat there as unread, we don’t know what’s going on. Auto delete after a week would be a good idea. " I think in the instance of about an event logically you can follow up on the message | |||
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"Is it not possible that unread but binned messages remain as “unread”? A few people have said they get the preview and decide to not open it, just delete. Would be a lot easier for all if these messages showed as deleted- at least that way the sender knows and can move on. Waiting for a reply that will never come- but looks like it might- is really shitty. That might be a possibility, but it's clear from what a number of women are saying that at least some deliberately leave messages unread if they're not interested. I'm not saying they shouldn't, however the fact remains that it leaves the senders in the dark over whether their message is not of interest, or merely still unseen. There must be a remedy for this that doesn't involve people changing how they prefer to use their inboxes." As you can't control the in box behaviour and them not deleting may be irritating or cause you confusion I agree with you have to control your outbox Just take it as a no and move on | |||
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"Checking the profile first is far from an ass-backwards way to do it. From the profile we can see - amongst other things - photos, height, a person's interests, their bio, location, whether they're a smoker, sometimes whether they're attached and meeting without their partner's knowledge (if they state that in their bio), their current status. If those things don't align with what I'm looking for, chances are I won't open the message. If I don't delete it immediately, for whatever reason, I may intend to delete it another time but that might not happen, again for multiple reasons. Also inbox messages do auto delete after a time. Again I'd suggest if your message remains unread it's best to assume the person isn't interested. Alternatively delete your sent message immediately. If you keep them to remember who you have messaged, you could add a private note to the profile to remind you." I also check the profiles first before the message In my eyes it's a logical approach rather than read a (rare) decent message then look and find there's far more non aligned items than there are positives | |||
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"To preface this, I'm well aware of the site dynamics, and I don't expect anyone's attention, let alone a reply. Secondly this isn't a "why am I not getting meets" thing. I do just fine for meets. I've had a good number of very pleasant exchanges on here, some of which have gone further in extremely satisfying ways. When a message I send is read but not replied to, after a few days I delete the message from my outbox and forget about it. Sometimes a message I send gets deleted without reply by the recipient, in which case I pop the recipient on my block list so I don't accidentally message them again. Then, as above, I delete the message from my outbox and forget about it. So far so good. The thing is, though, that probably nine out of every ten messages I send goes unread indefinitely, even when the recipients have been online multiple times over days and weeks since sending them. I know I'm not alone in this. There are four possible reasons for this: 1. The recipient has read the message and set it back to unread for later. - Maybe, but the messages stay unread. 2. The recipient reads the message content in their email notification, decides they're not interested and never bothers to open the message on the website. - Possible, but surely nobody does this? 3. There is some sort of technical issue causing my messages to not appear in the recipients' inboxes, or to not show as read or deleted in my outbox. - Unlikely because some of my messages are getting read as normal. 4. The most likely, based on what I know about this site: the recipients are getting so many unwanted messages that they can't or don't want to read all of them. I believe this one to be the most likely because every third profile I look at has a status that reads something like "please be patient because I have too many messages to get through". I believe this one to be the most likely because when we open our couples account to single men we get almost nothing but dick pics despite saying we don't want them. When my OH makes her solo account visible it's 20 unwanted dick pics an hour. 50 when she's online. Either way, there are two issues with this: 1. It causes confusion for the sender. Is the recipient not interested, or have they just not even seen the message? Do I send a second message hoping they'll see that one? 2. If cause 4 is the reason, both senders and recipients are missing out on good potential connections. To expand on this a little bit, if cause 4 is the reason, then based on what I know of the experience of the dozens of women of Fab I have spoken to, it's because an overwhelming majority of the messages they get consist of a few words and/or a dick pic. If I had a few hundred of those to get through, I also would not read all of my messages. If I got a few hundred of those in my first day on the site, I would seriously consider not using the site. (NB: when I say "dick pic" I'm also including all the useless, low-effort messages like "meet now" or "what u up 2" and so on.) Assuming this to be true, then I would for a moment don my "paid-up customer" (in my household, of two solo accounts and one couples accoubt) to enquire of Fab why there exists no serious mechanism - that I can see - to prevent or even discourage these guys from sending messages that are at best a nuisance to everyone and at worst can scare off new women users (which demonstrably happens all the time). I'm aware there's a "report" function, but should it really fall to women, who are often paying customers, and - let's face it - the main draw of this site, to police the behaviour of these guys, not to mention that systematically filing a report over every unsolicited dick pic is hardly going to clear the bottleneck in their inboxes? Anyway, to sum up, I'm sure if you asked women on here they would tell you they would far rather spend their time chatting to hot people than attempting to jet-wash all the dick pics and pointless low-effort messages out of their inboxes, and if you asked men on here they would tell you they would rather spend their time chatting to hot people than staring at unread messages they sent to women whose bios are one long plea for the dick pics to stop. So while my knowledge of web-design is very limited, I do feel sure there must be some way to stop these guys, who aren't here to chat because they've got no chat, and aren't here to meet because they'll never get a meet, from flooding people's inboxes with their unwelcome dick-spam - hopefully without preventing the grown-ups from being as kinky as they want to be. For example: - A 25-word minimum on introductory messages. - All uploaded pictures of genitalia are marked as such and it's not possible to attach them to an introductory message (also make it impossible to upload pictures directly from phone for introductory messages) - or to any message until the recipient has replied. - Make "does / does not want to see dick pics" a profile preference option that blocks anyone from sending dick pics or even anyone with dick pics on their profile. - While we're at it, make "face pic" a marked category and give people the option to select "introductory message must contain face pic" in their preferences. Just some ideas that don't prevent anyone from participating, but give recipients far more control over which messages actually make it into their inboxes. Thanks for reading." As well written as this is. As a guy we just have to understand "to each their own" and set a limit of how long we're willing to be unanswered for. This site will give you people, of all spectrums, most want respect (as per their bio) but when you write with respect, it ends up deleted, or ignored. Not even the common decency to say "thank you but not interested " very few here value open communication. Most are fully horrible at it. | |||
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"I will often read an message in the email notification only, I cant be the only one" Thats my first filter! | |||
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"To preface this, I'm well aware of the site dynamics, and I don't expect anyone's attention, let alone a reply. Secondly this isn't a "why am I not getting meets" thing. I do just fine for meets. I've had a good number of very pleasant exchanges on here, some of which have gone further in extremely satisfying ways. When a message I send is read but not replied to, after a few days I delete the message from my outbox and forget about it. Sometimes a message I send gets deleted without reply by the recipient, in which case I pop the recipient on my block list so I don't accidentally message them again. Then, as above, I delete the message from my outbox and forget about it. So far so good. The thing is, though, that probably nine out of every ten messages I send goes unread indefinitely, even when the recipients have been online multiple times over days and weeks since sending them. I know I'm not alone in this. There are four possible reasons for this: 1. The recipient has read the message and set it back to unread for later. - Maybe, but the messages stay unread. 2. The recipient reads the message content in their email notification, decides they're not interested and never bothers to open the message on the website. - Possible, but surely nobody does this? 3. There is some sort of technical issue causing my messages to not appear in the recipients' inboxes, or to not show as read or deleted in my outbox. - Unlikely because some of my messages are getting read as normal. 4. The most likely, based on what I know about this site: the recipients are getting so many unwanted messages that they can't or don't want to read all of them. I believe this one to be the most likely because every third profile I look at has a status that reads something like "please be patient because I have too many messages to get through". I believe this one to be the most likely because when we open our couples account to single men we get almost nothing but dick pics despite saying we don't want them. When my OH makes her solo account visible it's 20 unwanted dick pics an hour. 50 when she's online. Either way, there are two issues with this: 1. It causes confusion for the sender. Is the recipient not interested, or have they just not even seen the message? Do I send a second message hoping they'll see that one? 2. If cause 4 is the reason, both senders and recipients are missing out on good potential connections. To expand on this a little bit, if cause 4 is the reason, then based on what I know of the experience of the dozens of women of Fab I have spoken to, it's because an overwhelming majority of the messages they get consist of a few words and/or a dick pic. If I had a few hundred of those to get through, I also would not read all of my messages. If I got a few hundred of those in my first day on the site, I would seriously consider not using the site. (NB: when I say "dick pic" I'm also including all the useless, low-effort messages like "meet now" or "what u up 2" and so on.) Assuming this to be true, then I would for a moment don my "paid-up customer" (in my household, of two solo accounts and one couples accoubt) to enquire of Fab why there exists no serious mechanism - that I can see - to prevent or even discourage these guys from sending messages that are at best a nuisance to everyone and at worst can scare off new women users (which demonstrably happens all the time). I'm aware there's a "report" function, but should it really fall to women, who are often paying customers, and - let's face it - the main draw of this site, to police the behaviour of these guys, not to mention that systematically filing a report over every unsolicited dick pic is hardly going to clear the bottleneck in their inboxes? Anyway, to sum up, I'm sure if you asked women on here they would tell you they would far rather spend their time chatting to hot people than attempting to jet-wash all the dick pics and pointless low-effort messages out of their inboxes, and if you asked men on here they would tell you they would rather spend their time chatting to hot people than staring at unread messages they sent to women whose bios are one long plea for the dick pics to stop. So while my knowledge of web-design is very limited, I do feel sure there must be some way to stop these guys, who aren't here to chat because they've got no chat, and aren't here to meet because they'll never get a meet, from flooding people's inboxes with their unwelcome dick-spam - hopefully without preventing the grown-ups from being as kinky as they want to be. For example: - A 25-word minimum on introductory messages. - All uploaded pictures of genitalia are marked as such and it's not possible to attach them to an introductory message (also make it impossible to upload pictures directly from phone for introductory messages) - or to any message until the recipient has replied. - Make "does / does not want to see dick pics" a profile preference option that blocks anyone from sending dick pics or even anyone with dick pics on their profile. - While we're at it, make "face pic" a marked category and give people the option to select "introductory message must contain face pic" in their preferences. Just some ideas that don't prevent anyone from participating, but give recipients far more control over which messages actually make it into their inboxes. Thanks for reading. As well written as this is. As a guy we just have to understand "to each their own" and set a limit of how long we're willing to be unanswered for. This site will give you people, of all spectrums, most want respect (as per their bio) but when you write with respect, it ends up deleted, or ignored. Not even the common decency to say "thank you but not interested " very few here value open communication. Most are fully horrible at it. " Do you want to come and sort out the 1600 + messages in my inbox, a few hundred of which arrived within a few hours of opening my account? I’m not a fucking pa. I’m here for myself, and if that means prioritising myself over messages from random people, the majority of whom haven’t read my bio, well so be it. | |||
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" Do you want to come and sort out the 1600 + messages in my inbox, a few hundred of which arrived within a few hours of opening my account? I’m not a fucking pa. I’m here for myself, and if that means prioritising myself over messages from random people, the majority of whom haven’t read my bio, well so be it. " Have you tired using filters to limit the amount of mails you get? https://www.fabswingers.com/my/filters | |||
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" Do you want to come and sort out the 1600 + messages in my inbox, a few hundred of which arrived within a few hours of opening my account? I’m not a fucking pa. I’m here for myself, and if that means prioritising myself over messages from random people, the majority of whom haven’t read my bio, well so be it. Have you tired using filters to limit the amount of mails you get? https://www.fabswingers.com/my/filters" My friend has filters on and she still has over 1400 messages in her inbox | |||
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" Do you want to come and sort out the 1600 + messages in my inbox, a few hundred of which arrived within a few hours of opening my account? I’m not a fucking pa. I’m here for myself, and if that means prioritising myself over messages from random people, the majority of whom haven’t read my bio, well so be it. Have you tired using filters to limit the amount of mails you get? https://www.fabswingers.com/my/filters" I’m not complaining about the mail I receive, I’m complaining about the attitude of the person I quoted. | |||
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" Do you want to come and sort out the 1600 + messages in my inbox, a few hundred of which arrived within a few hours of opening my account? I’m not a fucking pa. I’m here for myself, and if that means prioritising myself over messages from random people, the majority of whom haven’t read my bio, well so be it. Have you tired using filters to limit the amount of mails you get? https://www.fabswingers.com/my/filters I’m not complaining about the mail I receive, I’m complaining about the attitude of the person I quoted. " You were talking about the mails you recieve from people who don't read your profile. There are other ways to limit this if you don't want to use filters, you could block all single men and mail the ones you think suit you  | |||
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" Do you want to come and sort out the 1600 + messages in my inbox, a few hundred of which arrived within a few hours of opening my account? I’m not a fucking pa. I’m here for myself, and if that means prioritising myself over messages from random people, the majority of whom haven’t read my bio, well so be it. Have you tired using filters to limit the amount of mails you get? https://www.fabswingers.com/my/filters My friend has filters on and she still has over 1400 messages in her inbox" Funnily enough I did an experiment not long ago ( with Admins knowledge ) and started a single females profile , a lot younger than me to see what interest females get. There was nothing like that amount coming in for me. There were a couple of hundred over the first three days but then it slowed down. | |||
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" Do you want to come and sort out the 1600 + messages in my inbox, a few hundred of which arrived within a few hours of opening my account? I’m not a fucking pa. I’m here for myself, and if that means prioritising myself over messages from random people, the majority of whom haven’t read my bio, well so be it. Have you tired using filters to limit the amount of mails you get? https://www.fabswingers.com/my/filters I’m not complaining about the mail I receive, I’m complaining about the attitude of the person I quoted. You were talking about the mails you recieve from people who don't read your profile. There are other ways to limit this if you don't want to use filters, you could block all single men and mail the ones you think suit you "I was referring to the below quote *This site will give you people, of all spectrums, most want respect (as per their bio) but when you write with respect, it ends up deleted, or ignored. Not even the common decency to say "thank you but not interested " very few here value open communication. Most are fully horrible at it. I don’t mind getting lots of messages, I do resent being told I’m horrible at open communication because I don’t spend all my time on here, replying to crap messages. I cherry pick what I reply to. | |||
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" I don’t mind getting lots of messages, I do resent being told I’m horrible at open communication because I don’t spend all my time on here, replying to crap messages. " It was a general comment. You took it personally and answered by swearing at him. Maybe have a read of the forum summary before you next post | |||
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