FabSwingers.com forum: An unexpected observation

By *empted23 OP Couple
18 weeks ago

countryside

Befor the inevitable pile on from people on here

Telling me

Everyone can do , and , not do , what ever they want

I am aware of that

But having now attended attended around 20 parties / clubs / themed nights etc we have noticed something unexpected

How many people -very often couples- , walk in sit down in a communal area

And don’t move or talk to anyone and don’t play even with each other

And we have seen the same people at a few seperate parties

And they did nothing all night at both

Not singling out anyone specific though as we have seen it with multiple couples on multiple occasions

I just think , you have got ready , travelled to the venue , presumable paid an entry price

Why just sit there all night

If there is no one you want to play with

Fine , don’t play with anyone your not into

but why not play with each other. Your already there

What did you go for

Another thing that I just didn’t expect

How many people sign up to clearly a specific themed event

Kings and queens or Naughty Neon or what ever

The host has gone to the trouble of finding a venue

Advertised it , clearly stated the theme and there for the preferred dress code

Done all the admin to organise the event and entry list

And the people signing up can clearly see what it’s called and what the theme is

and in my experience atleast 40% of the people who turn up have made no effort towards it what so ever

It seems incredibly lazy and somewhat rude towards the host

Essentially it comes off to me as

“ you try and run what ever event you want but I’m gonna ignore it and turn up in jeans and a shirt regardless “

Although that’s singling men out but it’s just as many women - who may look nice

But are just in a little black dress at an ancient Egypt toga party

I just don’t get it

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By *orrivonCouple
18 weeks ago

Nowhere

Have to admit, we are slightly like that, but we are newbies to clubs and haven’t found one with our vibe yet. Can be quite intimidating going in, especially for M, but don’t want to be 3 sheets to the wind either on entry. We did (over)dress for the beach party at Quest the other night, but maybe were a little late to the party as we felt conspicuous in our leis and sunnies. Agree with the play sentiment as well…we decide if there’s nobody there to have fun with, we have fun with ourselves, and with an audience that can be great fun as well. Can only put people’s reticence down to nerves, but if they’re repeat “offenders”, then maybe the scene isn’t quite their scene.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
18 weeks ago

East Sussex

It's often suggested that people who aren't sure if swinging his for them, attend clubs to do no more than observe. Also some might enjoy the atmosphere and go home to a night of unbridled passion fuelled by the experience.

Themed parties are a difficult one. I guess the hosts say it's not mandatory to dress up.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
18 weeks ago

East Sussex

Also I have been the person not participating in two occasions. One time other people were as good as their word when they said there was no pressure. The second time I heard them talking about me in a derogatory way.

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By *empted23 OP Couple
18 weeks ago

countryside

"Have to admit, we are slightly like that, but we are newbies to clubs and haven’t found one with our vibe yet. Can be quite intimidating going in, especially for M, but don’t want to be 3 sheets to the wind either on entry. We did (over)dress for the beach party at Quest the other night, but maybe were a little late to the party as we felt conspicuous in our leis and sunnies. Agree with the play sentiment as well…we decide if there’s nobody there to have fun with, we have fun with ourselves, and with an audience that can be great fun as well. Can only put people’s reticence down to nerves, but if they’re repeat “offenders”, then maybe the scene isn’t quite their scene."

Yeah we haven’t actually “ played “ with anyone else yet even though we have attended a fair few parties but we always do have fun together

And being watched can be a turn on too

And if being watched isn’t your thing most places have a lot private rooms

Sitting in a lounge area and not even looking round the venue

May as well have just gone to a pub

Glad your discovering events that suite you

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By (user no longer on site)
18 weeks ago

People can do, or not do things as they please and there is nothing saying they must behave in a certain way. Let people be and stop judging, lest you be judged also.

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By *empted23 OP Couple
18 weeks ago

countryside

"People can do, or not do things as they please and there is nothing saying they must behave in a certain way. Let people be and stop judging, lest you be judged also."

I did prefix my original post with exactly that

People can do or not do

As they wish

I wasn’t judging anyone

A judgement would be implying they’re some how wrong for what they do or don’t do

I was very careful not to do that in any way

But thank you for your input

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By * and BCouple
18 weeks ago

Durham

You wouldn't believe it but we have seen some in pubs not drinking alcohol

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By *ubbyandwifeCouple
18 weeks ago

manchester

We went to the club for the very first time ever don’t know what to expect but when we got there we sat at the smoking room a guy walked in stat talking with us and the wife clicked with him straightaway then we end up having fun in the private room she had a really good night think we be back soon

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By *ravel CompanionsCouple
18 weeks ago

London

[Removed by poster at 28/05/24 13:07:03]

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By *ravel CompanionsCouple
18 weeks ago

London

We think it's quite normal not to participate first few times. We remember our first time was a bit of a shock so we didn't even play with each other haha

Then we found clubs and sexy holiday resorts we like atmosphere in, realised what we'd like to try from watching other people doing different things, and it all started from there...

So, for some people one visit is enough to get into the heat of things, for some it's a few visits or trying different clubs etc. It's all normal, nothing wrong about that.

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By *edVelvet XWoman
18 weeks ago

Here and there

Some people go to events with no intention of play. They enjoy the social side and like to people watch.

To be honest OP your thread could be very off putting for any newbies thinking of going to a club but worried they might feel under pressure to take part. There are many threads on the same subject.

Also if you’re there enjoying yourself how on earth do you manage to make all the observations that you clearly do?

You might not mean for your comments to sound judgemental but to me that’s exactly how they come across.

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By *oBBeanCouple
18 weeks ago

Derby

Our very first event we went to, we sat in the smoking area most of the evening as we hadn't been to a club before or even played with anyone else. It was absolutely rammed with beautiful people & it was baking hot. It was quite overwhelming and as it was our first time, we were nervous as well. We also didn't dress up, but it was optional. We didn't know what to expect in terms of how far people take themes so we didn't want to dress up, but we put effort into our appearance. We did end up going home with a couple, but if you had been weirdly watching us all night then you would have thought we had been sat not interacting with anyone else all evening. Honestly, I pay no mind to what others do, don't do or dress like, as long as everyone is respectful!

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By *ravel CompanionsCouple
18 weeks ago

London

Just want to add another 2p to the subject of fancy dress codes. Unfortunately many clubs don't enforce dress code they advertise and we have overdressed for a couple of "themed" parties and felt a bit awkward. Since then we try to avoid "themed" parties in UK as they always are disappointment (with rare exceptions like Killing Kittens, or Masquerade party at the Old Hellfire club), so safer would be just going in sexy dress or lingerie for a woman and smart -casual for a man.

P.S. if anyone knows any establishment around London that runs cool themed events, like Erotic Masquerades or toga party etc, feel free to drop us a line, we love them.

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By *octordigitsMan
18 weeks ago

Cheshire

For what it’s worth - a club which has a “ dress down “ policy already has a head start …. And if there is a sauna or jacuzzi that encourages interaction …. Yes some people will be there to watch - some may be naturally hesitant …. Somewhere like Chameleons hits all the spot for me and others

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By *randMrsNorthernCouple
18 weeks ago

Cheshire

"Befor the inevitable pile on from people on here

Telling me

Everyone can do , and , not do , what ever they want

I am aware of that

But having now attended attended around 20 parties / clubs / themed nights etc we have noticed something unexpected

How many people -very often couples- , walk in sit down in a communal area

And don’t move or talk to anyone and don’t play even with each other

And we have seen the same people at a few seperate parties

And they did nothing all night at both

Not singling out anyone specific though as we have seen it with multiple couples on multiple occasions

I just think , you have got ready , travelled to the venue , presumable paid an entry price

Why just sit there all night

If there is no one you want to play with

Fine , don’t play with anyone your not into

but why not play with each other. Your already there

What did you go for

Another thing that I just didn’t expect

How many people sign up to clearly a specific themed event

Kings and queens or Naughty Neon or what ever

The host has gone to the trouble of finding a venue

Advertised it , clearly stated the theme and there for the preferred dress code

Done all the admin to organise the event and entry list

And the people signing up can clearly see what it’s called and what the theme is

and in my experience atleast 40% of the people who turn up have made no effort towards it what so ever

It seems incredibly lazy and somewhat rude towards the host

Essentially it comes off to me as

“ you try and run what ever event you want but I’m gonna ignore it and turn up in jeans and a shirt regardless “

Although that’s singling men out but it’s just as many women - who may look nice

But are just in a little black dress at an ancient Egypt toga party

I just don’t get it

As paying customers, we don’t have to play with anyone else. Sometimes we just want to get out in that kind of environment and if we choose to play in a room as a couple without anyone there or watching, that’s our choose.

Truthfully we are the couple you described who just sit there but in all honesty we find that 80% of the time there’s nobody we would like to play with and then the other 20% of the time we are too shy to approach anyone we like…

The amount of times we have got back after a club night and people noticed us so messaged after saying they liked us etc. kind of confirms the above. Some people can be too shy to approach.

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By *randMrsNorthernCouple
18 weeks ago

Cheshire

"Some people go to events with no intention of play. They enjoy the social side and like to people watch.

To be honest OP your thread could be very off putting for any newbies thinking of going to a club but worried they might feel under pressure to take part. There are many threads on the same subject.

Also if you’re there enjoying yourself how on earth do you manage to make all the observations that you clearly do?

You might not mean for your comments to sound judgemental but to me that’s exactly how they come across."

100%

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
18 weeks ago

Central

Best to never have a set agenda, other than to be comfortable with what you are doing. Nobody will know what's happened to others, their histories, plans they may have had but if people had a hotel booked etc but then weren't quite up for sex, it's reasonable to go out and enjoy the vibe. It's different if money is invested, your expectations get knocked or life happens.

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By *eandmrsjones69Couple
18 weeks ago

Middle England

We've been to clubs and seen people chatting all evening and not ventured to play; guess they like the social side of things.

Those that don't play perhaps just like being around lots of sexy people!

As for dressing up; we do attend clubs a lot and there are often themed nights. Pirates, Hoedown, Star Wars, etc etc. We do occasionally go with the theme but if we did every theme every time we'd end up having to buy another wardrobe! Sometimes it's just not possible; that doesn't mean you don't want to go to the club on that night though.

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By *iverstMan
18 weeks ago

Rossendale

As a single guy that is very nervous and apprehensive in this lifestyle, I can understand how some people may feel. I will stand at the bar and chat very openly with people about them and myself but I find that next step tremendously difficult. I see people if find both attractive and desirable but fear taking the next step...........so frustrating for me!

So if any ladies in the No 3 club see a silver fox, just under 6’4” standing at the bar and you are curious, please tap me on the shoulder!!

Thankfully I have been blessed with ladies with more guts than I have taking the first step.

I am quite open about this with people I meet and many have said how nervous they were when entering into this lifestyle. So with that in mind, the people you describe may have similar barriers they are trying to break down.

Wishing everyone happy and confident fabbing!

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By *octordigitsMan
18 weeks ago

Cheshire

"As a single guy that is very nervous and apprehensive in this lifestyle, I can understand how some people may feel. I will stand at the bar and chat very openly with people about them and myself but I find that next step tremendously difficult. I see people if find both attractive and desirable but fear taking the next step...........so frustrating for me!

So if any ladies in the No 3 club see a silver fox, just under 6’4” standing at the bar and you are curious, please tap me on the shoulder!!

Thankfully I have been blessed with ladies with more guts than I have taking the first step.

Wishing everyone happy and confident fabbing!

Less is more sometimes as a single guy ….. one minute you are having a chat …. Next …. Oh wow

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By *toC Thats MeWoman
18 weeks ago

Sheffield

I’ve been to a club on several occasions and not played for a variety of reasons. People go to socialise, mingle, play, not sure why it would bother anyone what someone else does like.

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By *woforfun 1000Couple
18 weeks ago

Surrey

I really don’t understand the point of this post tbh everyone’s dynamic is different and should be respected.

They have paid their entry so can use the club however they want to, there’s no expectations and rightly so.

We find clubs are great places to socialise or just people watch and have things to chat about after with eachother and get turned on by.

When I had my hysterectomy I for sure wasn’t up for playing for about 16weeks actually but still went to the clubs most weeks and enjoyed the atmosphere as it beat sitting at home watching tv and boredom and was actually a lot of fun without the sex!

You don’t know that couples back ground, it can take a long while to settle into the scene and find your balance of likes and don’t likes etc and then chats can be had after a club night as to if it feels right.

Also as for theme nights it’s so hard as others have said can get pretty awkward when ur all dressed up and others haven’t so I just go with minimal theme or take accessories with me to add if others have dressed up a lot but at most the theme nights I’ve been too the clothes don’t stay on long anyway as most dress down after an hour or so, I won’t spend much on them now unless there’s a group of us going or I know most will dress up then I would.

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By *uenevereWoman
18 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

I woukd assyme that they are just taking it all in or enjoying the vibe or atmosphere.

They might just want a night out watching ladies in skimpy clothing.

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By *ucka39Man
18 weeks ago

Newcastle

"I woukd assyme that they are just taking it all in or enjoying the vibe or atmosphere.

They might just want a night out watching ladies in skimpy clothing.

Totally, (observation) seeing how things go and noticing if things change but enjoying the atmosphere. Taking everything in and maybe a little shy/nervous

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
18 weeks ago

Coventry

First of all what you describe is what we call the awkward school disco effect. The tragedy of this is its often shy people who are chomping at the bit to interact but don't know how. We find when people do make the effort to interact they often light up with little effort. There's absolutely no problem with being shy. However if people were a little brave they would find a lots more fun and that their fears and/or self-consciousness are unfounded.

However sometimes it's partly luck of the draw. Sometimes you'll go and the right people are there and everything flows. Sometimes there's not people that intrest you.

Also on occasion I think we can be accused of using the club under false pretenses. Because sometimes we don't go looking to swing. Sometimes we go to get away from the kids, use the facilities, spend time together and fuck. More about sharing time together in an environment we love than sharing with other people. Sorry.

As to the party, events thing we totally get that. If we're going to a party, party we like to make the effort. And it's just a bit disappointing when others don't. However some larger clubs are open to their regular members too who are just there to enjoy their club. We been staying a club before on party nights, just to enjoy the club and not even knowing its party takeover night. So we have been those people ourselves. However I'd say if you've down on a guest list or signed up to a specific party make the effort (its to your advantage to do so after all).

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By *empted23 OP Couple
18 weeks ago

countryside

I haven’t even read 90% of your triggered bullshit

I literally stated from the first line of my post

Which if you really want to pile on me - I’m J so don’t pile on E - “”””” lest ye be judged “””” I believe was one criticism she bare that in your bare mind

While you suck fuck and dismiss whom you may

But forbid anyone who says

I saw - this

I offer no judgment on - this -

Just simply thought this was a safe space to explain and explore idea and observations

what a mistake that was !

No ,, no judgement, ofcourse

Unless we are to lazy to actually talk about your experience

As long as we don’t have to activate a brain cell

To have conversation

We might actually have to read an ORIGINAL POST “OP “

And understand its nuance

Omg just drop the nuke

It’s fine I understand

You can’t actually do anything but either be “ triggered “ or “not engaged “

Both extremes are not my concern

I simply offered a representative account that I found unusual

Or is that not what forums of discussion are for

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By *dinburgerMan
18 weeks ago

Perthshire

So if any ladies in the No 3 club see a silver fox, just under 6’4” standing at the bar and you are curious, please tap me on the shoulder!!

Thankfully I have been blessed with ladies with more guts than I have taking the first step.

Wishing everyone happy and confident fabbing!

He who hesitates, masturbates.

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By *iverstMan
18 weeks ago

Rossendale

He who hesitates, masturbates."

Ha ha, that made me chuckle Gav - I will remember that!

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By *edVelvet XWoman
18 weeks ago

Here and there

"I haven’t even read 90% of your triggered bullshit

I literally stated from the first line of my post

Which if you really want to pile on me - I’m J so don’t pile on E - “”””” lest ye be judged “””” I believe was one criticism she bare that in your bare mind

While you suck fuck and dismiss whom you may

But forbid anyone who says

I saw - this

I offer no judgment on - this -

Just simply thought this was a safe space to explain and explore idea and observations

what a mistake that was !

No ,, no judgement, ofcourse

Unless we are to lazy to actually talk about your experience

As long as we don’t have to activate a brain cell

To have conversation

We might actually have to read an ORIGINAL POST “OP “

And understand its nuance

Omg just drop the nuke

It’s fine I understand

You can’t actually do anything but either be “ triggered “ or “not engaged “

Both extremes are not my concern

I simply offered a representative account that I found unusual

Or is that not what forums of discussion are for

Wow!

Yes, forums are for discussions and for people to put their point of view across.

This is exactly what has happened with this thread. Just because no one has agreed with you there is no reason to become abusive.

You are doing what you have accused others of.

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By *izzy.Woman
18 weeks ago

Stoke area

You asked why do people just sit there all night ?

You said you didn't get it.

People explained.

You didn't like the discussion, but why get abusive and unpleasant when people are telling you about their experiences.

Kettle Black Pot

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By *eiaorganaWoman
18 weeks ago

Dundee

For us there's the issue of confidence. We have both lost confidence the past year or so, so chatting with people we don't really know at clubs can be a bit nervewracking sometimes.

Theme nights we find tend to be so busy that it's hard to spot anyone we might be interested in anyway. We do try to keep with the theme of the night if possible, and always dress up at Halloween.

Plus as I've got older less people have asked me to play so I'm ticking less boxes now, I just treat the night as a social and try not to be too disappointed by it.

Our dynamic is also a bit different to others so even if we struck up a conversation with a couple, they might assume that we'd both play and we don't. We don't play together publicly so what's the point of taking up a room when we have our own room at home?

So there's quite a few factors that make things awkward for us, it's not that clear cut.

Sometimes I feel like we should just stop going and save the money, but we do like to watch and we can do that at CJs in Glasgow.

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By *imon and saffyCouple
18 weeks ago

southampton

We know that we're not young, slim and beautiful and combined with a bit of lack of confidence means we sometimes don't interact much.

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By *aGaGagging for itCouple
18 weeks ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Various possible reasons:

Because that's all they want to do.

Because they want a more liberated / sexy night out, but don't want to interact with others.

They just want to be voyeurs.

Shyness / nerves and don't know how to break the ice.

Maybe they like the idea of being approached by others, rather than doing the approaching.

Because they can!

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By *herry_BlossomsWoman
18 weeks ago

Barnsley

I went as a single girl to my local club for years. I often felt like a 'fraud' due to attitudes like the OP with demands that I must play to attend a swingers club, when in fact I would often go to socialise and feel safe and confortable in a club I lovingly grew to call 'home'.

Everyone has different agendas. If you are noticing what everyone else is doing enough to make a public forum post about it, it sounds to me like you aren't getting what you need from the clubs and maybe need to address your expectations.

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By *uenevereWoman
18 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

"I haven’t even read 90% of your triggered bullshit

I literally stated from the first line of my post

Which if you really want to pile on me - I’m J so don’t pile on E - “”””” lest ye be judged “””” I believe was one criticism she bare that in your bare mind

While you suck fuck and dismiss whom you may

But forbid anyone who says

I saw - this

I offer no judgment on - this -

Just simply thought this was a safe space to explain and explore idea and observations

what a mistake that was !

No ,, no judgement, ofcourse

Unless we are to lazy to actually talk about your experience

As long as we don’t have to activate a brain cell

To have conversation

We might actually have to read an ORIGINAL POST “OP “

And understand its nuance

Omg just drop the nuke

It’s fine I understand

You can’t actually do anything but either be “ triggered “ or “not engaged “

Both extremes are not my concern

I simply offered a representative account that I found unusual

Or is that not what forums of discussion are for

Crikey

Was you having an off moment?

You asked why and were given suggestions.

I have read 90% of the responses, all of which were polite additions to the discussion. Such a shame you felt the need to reply in such a negative way.

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By *hellebelleWoman
18 weeks ago

ashford

The saying “it takes all sorts” runs true in life. I guess even in this lifestyle, we all go about, like and want different things.

Maybe stick to house parties instead of clubs that offer the social aspect.

I’m my own personal experience, I’ve found private parties are not my thing at all as feel it’s more about just “playing”

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