FabSwingers.com forum: Approaching People in Clubs

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

So I went to my local club last week for the first time and again last night as way to try and get myself out there, despite my reservations being a single guy.

While there were couples open to chatting which I really enjoyed, I did find that a lot of them were quite closed off and kept to themselves or other couples and found myself awkwardly standing to one side a lot. This may be on me and not being confident to enough to approach everyone but is there a general distrust of single men in clubs where even engaging in conversation can send mixed signals? To be clear, I didn't go in expecting anything to happen but was hoping people would be more open to talking at the very least. Sorry for the long post

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Haven't been to a club but I'd imagine cliques exist there just the same as in every other area in life.

And you're right, no doubt a new face would be weighed up for a bit at first to see how you conducted yourself.

Actual rudeness though is never okay. Always take it as rubbish folk putting themselves in the bin for you, saves you the hassle

I'd keep trying though, maybe see if any fabbers go there as a wingman/woman to chat to or take the newbie look off of you both.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well I’ve got to say good on you for going and getting out there man

Well done It takes a lot and it’s not that easy.

Sometimes it can just be one of those nights nothing happens… I know couples that experience the same sort of thing too.

I think with the awkwardly standing to the side it’s just one of those things I think if you regularly went you’d build up getting to know regular people there / become a regular and maybe not feel awkward. As there’s nothing wrong with being stood to the side.

I’d often do that

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By *llaandGCouple
over a year ago

London

We're hardly hardened clubbers and basically finding our way, but Ella and I would always prefer someone that actually comes and talks to us rather than the silent zombies that shuffle around wordlessly!

Talking to others (without any ulterior motives by the way!) definitely helps us relax and get into the space but as we've said in another thread we also find it tricky to start talking sometimes so you're not alkne

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By *astesLikeMagicWoman
over a year ago

Newcastle

What night did you go on? Saturdays are usually 'couples' nights and a lot of couples who are not looking for single men prefer a Saturday if the club restricts single guys numbers.

There's lots of people won't talk to single guys because for some single guys they think chatting = going to have sex with them.

I think the biggest mistake single guys make when it comes to chatting, engaging, interacting on a club is that they try taking to only those they wanna fuck.

Chat to other single guys, network.

Women and couples can sense the thirsty guys a mile off. Be a member of the community not a predator

Just general advice, not aimed at OP

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We only starting going to clubs this time last year, even as a couple we felt like that, sometimes we still do as we are Uber confident to just rock up to someone or another couple, some of our best chats have been in the smoking area as people tend to be more chatty out there we have found! However I have now almost given up (definitely don't smoke now when out) so that eliminates "our surefire way to get chatting to people".

We went to a club Friday, out first since I stopped in public and it felt very different for us and as it's a fairly new club for us to go too and you can see who the "old timers" (ones who go regularly) to the newbies, that said everyone seemed quite friendly but getting the confidence to strike up a conversation was quite difficult for us as for me especially, I find it hard to talk to people I don't know, however we sat down and got a lay of the land and another couple who was new there got chatting to us and we had a lovely time!.

The more you go the more the old timers will recognise you, it happened at our regular club we went too and we knew lots of people and used to chat to loads of people (in and out the smoking area!).

You will get there OP, I assure you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We only starting going to clubs this time last year, even as a couple we felt like that, sometimes we still do as we are Uber confident to just rock up to someone or another couple, some of our best chats have been in the smoking area as people tend to be more chatty out there we have found! However I have now almost given up (definitely don't smoke now when out) so that eliminates "our surefire way to get chatting to people".

The more you go the more the old timers will recognise you, it happened at our regular club we went too and we knew lots of people and used to chat to loads of people (in and out the smoking area!).

You will get there OP, I assure you."

That should say we aren't Uber confident lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So I went to my local club last week for the first time and again last night as way to try and get myself out there, despite my reservations being a single guy.

I wouldn't say there is a general distrust in single men or at least I haven't noticed it, some couples just find it easier to avoid us rather than have to say no witch is a sham as a lot of us are glad of the conversation and wouldn't expect anything to happen anyway.

I have found going to the same club (Jaydees) as much as I can is a massive benefit, you get to know the regulus and soon have plenty of people to chat to while you are there making new friends in the process and coming across more confident to anyone that hasn't met you before

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Talking to couples and becoming a known entity is just the beginning.

Not all couples are looking for single guys and may be looking for single females or couples.

Some couples may want a single guy, but not necessarily you.

Other couples may want lots of single guys and not just one.

Either way, the more you go, chat, demonstrate you're not going to become a pain, the more chance you have of playing.

With anyone who has a degree of choice in their play partners, there's an avoidance of giving anyone the false impression that just chatting is a come on. A few times, I've seen guys complain about being led on just when a friendly chat hasn't got them laid.

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

We are always happy to chat with anyone, it's chatting to people that makes the night interesting. Obviously chatting doesn't mean that we will want to have sex with you and there are loads of interesting folk that are fun to talk to.

Cal

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well done for making the approach. It isn’t easy for sure and from what I’ve seen in clubs not many single males make that effort.

I guess it all depends on the day and who’s there. I haven’t been to clubs many times (only making my debut earlier this year) but have found it to be mixed in the very few trips I’ve had to Kestrel Spa / AbFabs.

There’s been some couples as you say that have been quite closed and clearly there to interact with friends at the exclusion of others.

But mostly I’ve found the being friendly, open and chatting casually approach to be positive.

The last couple of times I’ve been I’ve approached couples and had a civil conversation in the bar / lounge and both times ended with an invite to join them.

Meanwhile the wanking dead that just wandered around tugging away under their towels at any sign of action but not actually interacting with or speaking to anyone ended up stuck wanking in the corner the whole time.

So I guess it depends on who’s there at the time and a bit of luck in who you approach and when you approach them. Next time I might not be so lucky.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So I went to my local club last week for the first time and again last night as way to try and get myself out there, despite my reservations being a single guy.

This is how I imagine a club will be when I get to one. Couples and women who just prefer to chat with me rather than play, especially while they wait for the top 10% of guys to arrive.

I'd say its best to treat a club like its going to be a social, and anything after that would be a rare bonus

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By *rFoxAndXenoCouple
over a year ago

Weymouth

Upon our first club visit we were both so nervous, even though we went with some wonderful friends and even met up with another guy we'd been chatting to!

Honestly it could be nerves a lot of the time. But if people are frosty and just plain rude definitely don't take it to heart - that's on them!!

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By *oobyHotwifeWoman
over a year ago

Thurrock

I don't think it's so much of a distrust and more of them probably feeling as awkward as you

Well done for going two weeks in a row, I genuinely believe with clubs, single guys, couples, you have to get your face known, for people to feel comfortable around you, I'm sure your efforts will reap rewards eventually

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By *ris GrayMan
over a year ago

Dorchester

"So I went to my local club last week for the first time and again last night as way to try and get myself out there, despite my reservations being a single guy.

"
were you naked and unashamed?

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By *rFoxAndXenoCouple
over a year ago

Weymouth

"What night did you go on? Saturdays are usually 'couples' nights and a lot of couples who are not looking for single men prefer a Saturday if the club restricts single guys numbers.

There's lots of people won't talk to single guys because for some single guys they think chatting = going to have sex with them.

I think the biggest mistake single guys make when it comes to chatting, engaging, interacting on a club is that they try taking to only those they wanna fuck.

Chat to other single guys, network.

Women and couples can sense the thirsty guys a mile off. Be a member of the community not a predator

Just general advice, not aimed at OP"

We were disheartened to find the sulking isn't limited to a few select single guys with bad attitude....a friendly couple at Gems came over and spoke to us and then I needed the toilet, the next morning we had a really guilt tripping message that lamented the fact their small talk hadn't lead to play?! I was dumbfounded and it's made me even more nervous for next time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So I went to my local club last week for the first time and again last night as way to try and get myself out there, despite my reservations being a single guy.

I suspect you were just standing by the side. You may feel awkward but ppl don't notice.

In my (not extensive) experience, clubs can have a weird school disco vibe. Even couples can feel on the edge if new, as there's an idea that any interaction could be seen as an invite (and some ppl do think this is true, which is a shame). So they aren't open because they are equally uncomfortable. It's not personal.

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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago

harrow

For me, there is no right of wrong way. Often I talk to people by just playing pool or at the bar. Luckily my kink toys are often a conversation point which really helps.

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By *inx_xxWoman
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

I think your approach OP sounds fine. It can be awkward as a single with couples, regardless of gender. I'd say the advice you've been given is spot on.

I will often "settle in", have a drink say friendly hello to the people at the bar, and watch....

Patience is a virtue.

Whilst the thirsty guys are running round, trying doors and wanking in corners, the decent ones are holding a conversation with good humour and manners.

Then I pounce

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By *irty filthy milfWoman
over a year ago

somewhere only i know!

OP there are a number of ways of integrating into a club,

1st tell them you’re new and ask for a tour and to be introduced to others

2nd don’t sit in the corner, get yourself around the bar smile and treat it like any other bar

3rd have a game of pool it’s a good icebreaker (even if you’re crap and have a laugh)

4th go in the smoking areas even if you didn’t smoke it’s a great icebreaker

5th have a look at what meets are posted for when and where you’re looking to go and maybe send an opening message to people that are going to introduce yourself further

6th feel free to message me and I’ll help where I can xx

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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago

harrow

"OP there are a number of ways of integrating into a club,

1st tell them you’re new and ask for a tour and to be introduced to others

2nd don’t sit in the corner, get yourself around the bar smile and treat it like any other bar

3rd have a game of pool it’s a good icebreaker (even if you’re crap and have a laugh)

4th go in the smoking areas even if you didn’t smoke it’s a great icebreaker

5th have a look at what meets are posted for when and where you’re looking to go and maybe send an opening message to people that are going to introduce yourself further

6th feel free to message me and I’ll help where I can xx"

Spot on with this

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By *R coupleCouple
over a year ago

Croydon

Fair play for going as a single guy. Seems like you’re actually quite realistic with your expectations. I’ve spoke with the Mrs about it before and if I were a single guy (m half here) I know that I wouldn’t fare well at clubs as I’m just not out there enough as a person. I think you need to be really friendly, out going and energetic personality wise as well as genuine with your behaviour and words as in my opinion women and couples will see straight through anyone who is disingenuous. Also from my experience (admittedly limited as we usually only go to couples nights) guys no matter how good looking they be who linger about trying to look cool instead of interacting don’t usually get what they’re after.

Also have to echo what’s been said about guys thinking they’ve been led on. The other half is very out going but I do say to her there’s nothing wrong with having a quick chat with whoever but if you don’t fancy them don’t stay in their company too long because there’s a good chance they’re gonna get the wrong idea.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"some of our best chats have been in the smoking area as people tend to be more chatty out there we have found! However I have now almost given up (definitely don't smoke now when out) so that eliminates "our surefire way to get chatting to people".

Same here. The smoking area has always been our “go to” area. We don’t smoke but have had some great chats."

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By *inkForLifeCouple
over a year ago

North Shields

Generally we'd only really engage with single guys we're interested in playing with. As a previous person said, there often is an assumption from guys that a couple being friendly means you want to play with them and then you get hounded all night.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Fair play for going as a single guy. Seems like you’re actually quite realistic with your expectations. I’ve spoke with the Mrs about it before and if I were a single guy (m half here) I know that I wouldn’t fare well at clubs as I’m just not out there enough as a person. I think you need to be really friendly, out going and energetic personality wise as well as genuine with your behaviour and words as in my opinion women and couples will see straight through anyone who is disingenuous. Also from my experience (admittedly limited as we usually only go to couples nights) guys no matter how good looking they be who linger about trying to look cool instead of interacting don’t usually get what they’re after.

The way you described your self sounds alot like me and my wife, I never thought in a million years I'd fair well on my own without Mrs there as she is the more outgoing one, but you will be surprised how quickly you adapt and put yourself out there when there is no one with you holding your hand.

And just for the record I could happily spend all night chatting to a couple or single female without feeling led on and still come away just as happy as if I had played with someone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It depends a lot on the couples obviously.

We personally try to put guys at ease and even approach them if they take her fancy.

Don’t forget that some couples may be a bit shy themselves.

Bear in mind also that couples that go to clubs on the nights that single guys can go aren’t there by accident generally.

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By *ecky and justCouple
over a year ago

Godalming

Lots of good advice above.

We’ll talk to just about anyone in a club and make a point of introducing new people at our parties.

Just one thing though, please don’t assume our chatting is a precursor to play. If we want to fuck you well ask..

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By *ady CurvaceousWoman
over a year ago

Kent

"So I went to my local club last week for the first time and again last night as way to try and get myself out there, despite my reservations being a single guy.

It's not just you. I went to my first ever club on my own last year. Most people ignored me and stuck to their own little groups and just walked right past me several times during the evening. Not a single guy spoke to me all night, they just followed the groups of female friends around. A couple of women spoke to me, but that was it. I left feeling very humiliated and ugly. It was my birthday too and I went bdck to my hotel room in tears. Never been back.

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By *ady CurvaceousWoman
over a year ago

Kent

"So I went to my local club last week for the first time and again last night as way to try and get myself out there, despite my reservations being a single guy.

Just to add, i did go to another club with my female friend and had a relatively good evening, but my confidence to go to a club on my own is now completely shot.

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

"So I went to my local club last week for the first time and again last night as way to try and get myself out there, despite my reservations being a single guy.

Just to add, i did go to another club with my female friend and had a relatively good evening, but my confidence to go to a club on my own is now completely shot."

I think that people are generally a bit unsure about approaching single ladies, they think that all the ladies are being harassed all night.

My personal view is that it's my responsibility to go and talk to people. If I stand and wait for folk to approach me, I could have a long lonely night. I would suggest that everyone should take the same responsibility.

Cal

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Plenty of dad joke threads to use. Not talking about the weather and positions like missionary helps

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you to everyone who replied on this. Been really busy so not able to reply to everyone but some really good advice and interesting perspectives. I appreciate I may need to be a bit more forward and introduce myself and I did try, but the replies were quite short so couldn't really sustain a conversation. I also get that couples may not want to set false expectations too but wanted to go in with the attitude of having hope, but not expectations.

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By *DW1983Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen, Leeds, Sheffield

Some really good responses here. I agree it can be difficult, but sometimes it's hard to pinpoint why. I've had nights at clubs where I've just not found an 'in' with anyone. Not found a moment to join a conversation, not managed to catch someone's eye to start chatting, barely a hello. I've had other night where conversations have just happened, out of nowhere really. It'd be the same down the pub though if I went by myself, I'm sure.

I do keep saying I need to take up smoking, that does seem to be a good place to get chatting, as does the jaccuzzi or pool table.

It's often awkward both ways, sometimes they want to chat and you aren't interested. Sometimes you do and they don't. Sometimes you all do but just don't 'click' and it ends up as awkward 'Hi...' 'How are you...' and doesn't take off.

But sometimes, all the stars align. And the only way that can happen is by keeping going, and keeping trying, even if it can be a bit depressing or dispiriting.

There's also a delicate balance I think between focusing just on the ones you want to play with, versus chatting openly with everyone (couples, single guys) and showing that you do have a bit of personality and are not just another guy sat alone in the corner.

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

"So I went to my local club last week for the first time and again last night as way to try and get myself out there, despite my reservations being a single guy.

It’s not you mate, this is just how the club scene treats single guys; they’re a nice to have, but not a necessity……

Persevere with your local club, get your face known, and eventually you will be ‘accepted’ in to the clique. The clue is in the name ‘club’. Clubs are all about cliques

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I find touching base and connecting on here helps. I find it hard to work out a couples dynamics in person too.

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By *enninemarkMan
over a year ago

huddersfield/manchester

As a single guy who can't attend regularly I find it can be difficult. It really does depend on who is there on the night, and how a guy behaves. Lots of good advice here already. I find being social without expectations. Polite but smiley, and not stalking others is definitely the way forward.

Sometimes I have found relaxing in an open play room when a couple come in and start playing has resulted in joining in. Usually I watch while they play, say that looks good. If they encourage me to watch I continue, if not I leave the room to leave them in peace. Often I will be encouraged to join in.

As a generally shy person I find it difficult to just approach and chat to people. Usually it's in the jacuzzi, pool table etc where conversation starts more naturally!

Any more tips from couples appreciated, as is friendliness from them in clubs!

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By *inja 636Man
over a year ago

Grays

i have been to eurekas and dv8 a number of times i am a wheelchair user and find i sit in one place, i may even come across as unsocial but i personally feel it's a confidence thing. so glad for the people who are outgoing and willing to say hi as this makes me feel at ease. i enjoy the club scene and intend to visit more clubs at some point. i also find if you turn up with no expectations you will more than likely have a excellent time

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